Scared out of my MIND

Ok so my BFF was supposed to get his STD testing done and he STILL hasn't. I asked him again today to make sure he gets it done ASAP. He said "when I have time". So I asked him if I asked for too much. He said "actually yes you do." I started joking with him about how I only wanted his sperm since it was either going to end up in a tissue or in a whore. Trying to feel bad that he thinks I am asking too much. He never actually SAID what I was asking too much of but I got the feeling it's the whole baby thing. I hope he isn't changing his mind. I have been trying to avoid getting ahead of myself and crying about it. It's hard. I want this so much and I thought he did too. Maybe I just need to cry it out until I know for sure. I don't wanna push the issue but I'm not getting any younger and well sperm banks seem to cost a lot. I checked into those before I asked him to have a baby with me. It's crazy. I feel in my heart he wants to but my head isn't so sure. Or maybe it's the other way around? I don't know. I think I will have a good cry.

Life in the slow lane

I got a cute teddy bear the other day. He has on a red shirt that says "i love you" and plays music. Not sure of the song but I THINK it's I love you truly. Totally cute! I hope I am not jinxing myself by buying something. I'm not gonna buy anything else. I found a hair clip that a lady who shares my name made me when I was in high school. She has since passed away. I want to keep it not only for myself but for the baby if its a girl.

I was thinking today about how to tell my BFF / FBF (future baby's father) that I got my BFP when it DOES happen. Maybe I'll get a digital test and put it in a box or something and give it to him. Not sure yet. I want it to be special. Maybe I'll make dinner and leave it under his napkin. Oh the ideas lol I have GOT to do better with my G-Free living. I have to be G-free if I want a baby. That's for damn sure. I also have to get better at my BTT chart. I have missed two temping days this cycle.

Ok it's like 5:30am I am heading to bed. I was up late working and now it's time to crash.

Chart Stalking

(my chart)

Ok I know I am "special" but i have gone to a whole new world of special lol I have started BBT chart stalking. I have made some cool friends on the TTC forums so I have started looking at their charts and trying to figure out when they ovulate more than I look at my own lol I find it interesting and in so many cases comforting. I am gonna start making fertility jewelry YAY!!! Jewelry people can actually afford. Not $50 for 2 small stones or something crazy. I want to be able to spread hope and fertility without raping people's wallets. Ok off to bed.

O-Time

ok So I think I ovulated yesterday. I had slight ovulation pains on BOTH sides (which thrills me). I'm kinda sad that there was no baby making this cycle but hey better safe than sorry. Gotta make sure all the STD tests come back negative. I'm reading "It sucked and then I cried" by Heather Armstrong better know as Dooce of www.Dooce.com I thought I would do some pre-baby reading. I may pick up "Taking Charge of your Fertility" or whatever it's called. I'll have to look it up again. I got something I REALLY needed to off my chest on my wonderful TTC forum. Gosh the ladies there are so nice. I just want to throw sticky baby dust all over each and every one of them.
We're going to a high school basketball game tonight. Should be fun. I mean it IS where I found my "peace" a few weeks back. Remind me to tell you that story later on. It's a good one. I promise. It's 6am and I haven't been to bed yet. I am going to try to pop a natural sleeping pill a few days in a row to try to get my body back on track of sleeping at night and being awake during the day. *gasp* an odd concept I know lol

Killing Time

Ok so I need something to do to kill time while we're NOT baby making lmao Kinda odd since I have not one but TWO jobs. Truth is I took the second job in order to have more money for the baby. I have been slacking off on my first job and I really need to get back in the swing of things. I ordered a bunch of beads and stuff off of ebay to make fertility jewelry. Everything I have seen online is sooooo costly and it's just not fair. You are already just so upset about not being able to have a baby then people want to anally rape you on things to help you have a baby. It just sucks. I'm hoping I can make my stuff at a good price. Even if I don't make a lot of money at it, it will make me smile to know I am helping other women who want babies as much as I do. My sleep habits suck. I REALLY gotta get back to sleeping like a normal human being. Gotta get back to sleeping normally to get my fertility chart better. I'm finished working and now I need to go to sleep lol

No Try-Cycle

My best friend's STD testing wont be back before I ovulate so we are taking this cycle off. I'm still charting and temping of course. Just taking it easy and trying to get even more healthy. I have to get on a better sleep schedule so I can make sure my BBT chart is as accurate as possible. I have been staying away from gluten as much as possible. Sometimes you just forget to check an label and BAMMMMM gluten in Italian Dressing or something crazy lol I'm trying tho. I was told Gluten Free = MOMMY! So lets make it happen!!!

Never close enough to the end of the table

I went to the DR. today and had my lady parts poked and swabbed and checked. The laugh for the day was the nurse who was in there during my exam gave the Dr. the wrong swab thinies so he had to do the exam all over again lol You can never be too rich, too thin or too close to the end of the table. I talked to future baby daddy today to tell him everything the Dr. said about my poly cystic ovary and possible scar tissue. He had a headache and wasn't much interested lol Better luck tomorrow. I finished my work early and I'm off to bed.