Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Time to Help Others

One of my bestfriends has a brain tumor. Her and her husband have started an organization to help to raise money and awareness for brain tumors and brain cancers. ANY donations would be wonderful http://www.walkforkate.org

AF Showed Up

Yep AF showed her ugly face. So here we are at the beginning of another cycle. Mike and I spent part of the day together today. It was great. We laughed and joked For a small moment in time I forgot how crushed I am. So it was nice. Then we laid on the couch and watched Bill Maher. I think this cycle I am just going to take my vitimins, temp and BD. No baby asprin, No musinex, no pineapple. Just the old fashion way sorta lol.

I wish I knew how to deal with my feelings of "anger" when certain types of people can pop out as many babies as they want. UGH I just don't know how or what to feel most of the time. I cry alot. I mean A LOT and it sucks.


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I have totally LOST it

Ok so I tested ( a bit early) and got a BFN. So today I go to Wally World with my mom. I go inside to buy paper plates. I come out and walk to the car I get in and my mother is holding a puppy. In my head I'm screaming GOD THIS ISN'T FUNNY I WANTED A BABY OF THE HUMAN VARIETY!!! I literally cried when I got home. Either AF is on her way or I need to test again on Monday when AF is due.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

It's been way too long

Ok so this cycle my chart says I O-ed on the 13th day of my cycle (again). Well this time we hit the timing right on the head. We BDed twice on the 13th day. Now for the 2WW. I am supposed to test on Friday. I will be out of town so chances are I wont test until Monday. My period isn't due til the 27th or 28th. Iin my stupidity I went out and purchased 2 HPTs and took one yesterday. Of course it was negative and I was all depressed then I counted and the test is good 5 days before your missed period. It's was more than 5 days before my period. I also stupidly purchased blue dye tests. Which from my understanding aren't that great so I will have to go out and buy more tests anyway. I now have to find things to entertain me so I don't run over and pee on that damn stick ....even if it is a blue dye test lol

Sunday, May 16, 2010

oy oy OY!!

Ok so it seems my ovulation days have changed. Now it looks like I am ovulating on the 13th day of my cycles NOT the 16th. lol It wasn't this hard to get pregnant when I was a stupid horny teen ager. Back to the charting board lol Thanks to a change in O-ing I don't have much to report. lol Better luck next month huh? All I can do is laugh and smile right now. *kisses*

Monday, May 10, 2010

Another Month and NO baby

Well it's been an uneventful month to say the least. Ovulation should be here between the 13th and 17th. I'm now on a baby asprin and B6. I also made myself a totally cute fertility bracelet. My bestfriend has been stressed yet again. He got a job then they put a hiring hold on the job so now he has to wait to actually start. The poor dear :( I just wish things would get better for him. I really do care about him and his happiness. Mother's Day wasnt nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I only cried once. So that's an improvement. I guess not much to update. Last month's chart was kinda "odd" I've never Oed on the 13th day of my cycle. Eh oh well. Still trying :) Off to bed now.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Over Emotional

WOW It's been a hell of a few days. Last night I laid in bed and cried. I have been doing this for the last couple of days. I was on the phone talking to a friend yesterday and started to cry. I have NO idea why I was crying. Well I do but it wasn't related to anything that was going on right then. If that makes any sense.Ok so Future Baby's Father got out of jail this morning (unpaid speeding tickets) and I literally wanted to turn a flip. I had prayed and prayed and prayed to God to please protect him and not let anything happen to him. He went in Thursday and came out Sunday unharmed and in good spirits. He also got a job. Which I hope will mean he will be less stressed about the whole baby thing. Things are looking up. I don't wanna jinx it tho.

Last month I had a "normal" 28 day cycle. I haven't had one of those in years. My chart says I ovulated on the 14th but I'm not so sure since I was sick last month and my temp was all over the place. So we've started a new cycle. I've been praying a lot lately. It's odd I've become a lot more thankful. Prayer isn't all about asking it's a lot about thanking God for what he has already given you and for the protection he has provided you thus far.

I went to church tonight with my mom and her friend. It was a comedy show. It was a lot of fun. Stand-up CAN be funny without all the cussing and stuff. It was very refreshing. I'm going to ask my friend if he would like to go to church with me on Sunday. He's not really a church goer. Truth be told neither am I anymore but I'd like to change that. I grew up in the church and think that I was around too many "church people" and not enough Christians. I want our child(ren) to be raised in church. Going to a faith based school gave me a GREAT foundation for life. I want to give my kids that.

Ok I'm crying again which means I need to stop typing and stop reflecting and head to bed.

Peace and Love

Saturday, April 3, 2010

48 Hours of HELL

Well AF showed up today. Which I'm kinda happy about. That puts me closer to ovulation. YAY! I've had a hell of a 48 hours. I wonder why I got out of bed but I'm a strong person so I'll be fine. Just gotta work my ass off. I started applying for other blog jobs and will start writing for another site tomorrow (if I ever get to bed lol). It's a short entry tonight. I'm just having a kinda stressful day and my mother just doesn't seem to care. Mother's are supposed to care right?

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

We're ok

Ok so I'm not nearly as hurt as I was. He's having some legal issues and stuff so he's stressed and I guess didn't want to tell me. He just wanted to act like a macho man douche bag lol It wouldn't have been good anyway. Looks like I ovulated 2 days earlier than normal. So Saturday would have been too late anyway. I guess I saved some money for 2 or 3 nights at the hotel lol Back to the drawing board. I went to K-Mart today and went to the baby section to pick out something for my lil cousin and ended up crying all the way home. Horrible people can have babies .....why not me? Why not now? I can't question God.

Tomorrow I am going to try to get my Etsy store up and running. My bracelets are totally cute. :)

Friday, March 19, 2010

Out for this cycle (again)

Well I rented a nice hotel room and everything. Then I started to think about the fact that my BFF hadn't bothered to say if he went and got tested yet. So protecting myself I said well no lets not do it. Then I asked him if he had tested and he said yes I thought I told you. I have the paper work or whatever. So I said ok great then lets go ahead and go to the hotel tonight. He turns around and says no. :( It sucks bc my heart actually hurts. I did everything I was supposed to do this cycle. With each cycle my chances go down. So I will spend tonight in bed alone crying. Maybe next month. Maybe not. I really hurt inside right now.

Thursday, March 11, 2010


OK so this is NOT a fertility post. I was looking at a nice rental home to rent for an up coming vacation with one of my good friends in June of this year. I found what i thought was the perfect house and was in our price range. I SHOULD have known something was wrong from the first email. The property owner Karin (yes I am using REAL names due to not wanting others to deal with these assholes) questioned WHY we wanted to rent the house due to there only being two of us. Since when do you need 40 people to rent a house for a week. I explained (which I don't think I should have had to) that I am allergic to gluten and my friend is basically allergic to everything else. So I need to cook daily when we vacation together. I just get very sick when I eat gluten but my friend Jeff can DIE if he comes in contact with shell fish, nuts, soy and any other number of things. So cooking is kinda a must. AGAIN I don't think I should have had to explain myself but I did trying to be kind. The email address I used to contact her is hooked to a paypal account that is used by the church musician to purchase things for church. She is over 60 years old and until not too long ago didn't have her own email address so we setup the account using mine. I told this stupid cunt that I would get my Friend's paypal info ASAP. I NEVER stated I wanted or even HAD paypal account hooked to the email address I emailed her from. So of course the dumb ass sends the invoice to the email address I emailed her from AFTER I told her I would get Jeff's paypal info to her ASAP. I detest people who can't/don't/wont follow directions. SIMPLE DIRECTIONS! If I tell you that I will get the paypal info to you ASAP that would mean wait to send the bill until AFTER you get the paypal info right? Another thing that struck me as strange was that they required you to pay BEFORE seeing a contract or anything. We just figured paying via paypal would protect us from a scam. So Jeff sends me his paypal info and I forwarded it to her. Jeff's email address is a .cc not a .com (honestly I didn't know this made a difference). This BITCH then turns around and emails me with this shit....

My husband does not feel comfortable with this. The name for Inza (last name removed) comes up as (Legal name removed) when I sent the invoice. And now you want me to send the invoice to an email address pointing toward Keeling Islands in Central Africa, what the heck? I think we need to know you guys are legitimate people. My husband feels we cannot rent to you because of all the conflicting information.

It's only conflicting because this mindless CUNT can't follow directions. So I emailed dippy and her mind controlling husband the whois info for the domain name that Jeff owns and has owned for 13 YEARS. This twit didn't even bother to return the emails. I even sent her links to the whois searches and NOTHING. I guess people just can't admit when they are wrong and look fucking STUPID.

Their names are

Karin and Rick Dorn
(360) 990-6601


Monday, March 8, 2010

Ok We're all GOOD

Ok So I guess not as many of my selfish ways have vanished as I had originally thought. My FBD has been having job finding issues for while now (I got him fired on accident lol) and I guess I just ignored that. I've never known him to NOT have a job so I always just assume he'll be able to get one. With the economy the way it is the job market sucks. I just never thought it would suck for him since he has never had a problem finding a job. We went to dinner and talked about it. I said I was sorry. I never thought about it honestly. It was all about what I needed from him not what he needed in general. At least I know he isn't anti having a baby with me. I sent him some job info today and a couple days ago. I am going to make it a point to try to help him as much as I can. It's the least I can do. I mean I AM about to ovulate ok well i still have like 12 days but still lol I don't wanna miss this cycle. WOW There goes that selfish bitch again. Hey I'm a work in progress lol

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Chart update

Well I guess at first my chart was kinda off. It originally said I O-ed on the 15th but after adding a few more temps it changed to the 16th. I think I am doing good. I only missed 2 days of temping. I have to remember to not answer the phone when it wakes me up lol temp first and call whoever it was back when i'm done.

Scared out of my MIND

Ok so my BFF was supposed to get his STD testing done and he STILL hasn't. I asked him again today to make sure he gets it done ASAP. He said "when I have time". So I asked him if I asked for too much. He said "actually yes you do." I started joking with him about how I only wanted his sperm since it was either going to end up in a tissue or in a whore. Trying to feel bad that he thinks I am asking too much. He never actually SAID what I was asking too much of but I got the feeling it's the whole baby thing. I hope he isn't changing his mind. I have been trying to avoid getting ahead of myself and crying about it. It's hard. I want this so much and I thought he did too. Maybe I just need to cry it out until I know for sure. I don't wanna push the issue but I'm not getting any younger and well sperm banks seem to cost a lot. I checked into those before I asked him to have a baby with me. It's crazy. I feel in my heart he wants to but my head isn't so sure. Or maybe it's the other way around? I don't know. I think I will have a good cry.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Life in the slow lane

I got a cute teddy bear the other day. He has on a red shirt that says "i love you" and plays music. Not sure of the song but I THINK it's I love you truly. Totally cute! I hope I am not jinxing myself by buying something. I'm not gonna buy anything else. I found a hair clip that a lady who shares my name made me when I was in high school. She has since passed away. I want to keep it not only for myself but for the baby if its a girl.

I was thinking today about how to tell my BFF / FBF (future baby's father) that I got my BFP when it DOES happen. Maybe I'll get a digital test and put it in a box or something and give it to him. Not sure yet. I want it to be special. Maybe I'll make dinner and leave it under his napkin. Oh the ideas lol I have GOT to do better with my G-Free living. I have to be G-free if I want a baby. That's for damn sure. I also have to get better at my BTT chart. I have missed two temping days this cycle.

Ok it's like 5:30am I am heading to bed. I was up late working and now it's time to crash.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Chart Stalking

(my chart)
Ok I know I am "special" but i have gone to a whole new world of special lol I have started BBT chart stalking. I have made some cool friends on the TTC forums so I have started looking at their charts and trying to figure out when they ovulate more than I look at my own lol I find it interesting and in so many cases comforting. I am gonna start making fertility jewelry YAY!!! Jewelry people can actually afford. Not $50 for 2 small stones or something crazy. I want to be able to spread hope and fertility without raping people's wallets. Ok off to bed.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


ok So I think I ovulated yesterday. I had slight ovulation pains on BOTH sides (which thrills me). I'm kinda sad that there was no baby making this cycle but hey better safe than sorry. Gotta make sure all the STD tests come back negative. I'm reading "It sucked and then I cried" by Heather Armstrong better know as Dooce of www.Dooce.com I thought I would do some pre-baby reading. I may pick up "Taking Charge of your Fertility" or whatever it's called. I'll have to look it up again. I got something I REALLY needed to off my chest on my wonderful TTC forum. Gosh the ladies there are so nice. I just want to throw sticky baby dust all over each and every one of them.
We're going to a high school basketball game tonight. Should be fun. I mean it IS where I found my "peace" a few weeks back. Remind me to tell you that story later on. It's a good one. I promise. It's 6am and I haven't been to bed yet. I am going to try to pop a natural sleeping pill a few days in a row to try to get my body back on track of sleeping at night and being awake during the day. *gasp* an odd concept I know lol

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Killing Time

Ok so I need something to do to kill time while we're NOT baby making lmao Kinda odd since I have not one but TWO jobs. Truth is I took the second job in order to have more money for the baby. I have been slacking off on my first job and I really need to get back in the swing of things. I ordered a bunch of beads and stuff off of ebay to make fertility jewelry. Everything I have seen online is sooooo costly and it's just not fair. You are already just so upset about not being able to have a baby then people want to anally rape you on things to help you have a baby. It just sucks. I'm hoping I can make my stuff at a good price. Even if I don't make a lot of money at it, it will make me smile to know I am helping other women who want babies as much as I do. My sleep habits suck. I REALLY gotta get back to sleeping like a normal human being. Gotta get back to sleeping normally to get my fertility chart better. I'm finished working and now I need to go to sleep lol

Friday, February 12, 2010

No Try-Cycle

My best friend's STD testing wont be back before I ovulate so we are taking this cycle off. I'm still charting and temping of course. Just taking it easy and trying to get even more healthy. I have to get on a better sleep schedule so I can make sure my BBT chart is as accurate as possible. I have been staying away from gluten as much as possible. Sometimes you just forget to check an label and BAMMMMM gluten in Italian Dressing or something crazy lol I'm trying tho. I was told Gluten Free = MOMMY! So lets make it happen!!!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Never close enough to the end of the table

I went to the DR. today and had my lady parts poked and swabbed and checked. The laugh for the day was the nurse who was in there during my exam gave the Dr. the wrong swab thinies so he had to do the exam all over again lol You can never be too rich, too thin or too close to the end of the table. I talked to future baby daddy today to tell him everything the Dr. said about my poly cystic ovary and possible scar tissue. He had a headache and wasn't much interested lol Better luck tomorrow. I finished my work early and I'm off to bed.


OK So I woke up and I was 30 years old. I invited one of my best friends over for my birthday. I needed to talk to him. I had been having this conversation in my head for the last few weeks. I want to have a baby. More importantly I want to have HIS baby. He is the man I trust the most which is pretty odd bc in so many ways he should be the one I trust the least. That's a whole other story lol We have known each other since Jr. High. We dated all through high school. I got pregnant by him in high school and the pregnancy didn't end well and I spent YEARS devastated. I think the part that hurt me the most is that I thought he was "ok" with everything that happened because he just didn't want to have a baby with me. Which caused me to be afraid to ask him if he wanted to try again for the last 12 years. He spent hours with me and my family. I waited and waited and waited. Finally he was about to leave so I just asked him when we were out by his car. He said YES! It didn't even seem like he thought about it twice lol Almost like it was silly of me to even ask...of COURSE the answer would be yes. lol So we're going to try to have a baby again. The Dr. says I have poly cystic ovaries. Which will make it hard or maybe even impossible to get pregnant again naturally. We will never be able to afford IVF. We are just your normal working folk. We normal working folk don't have $10,000 a pop for fertility treatments. So for the next year we will be temping and charting (I have been doing that for awhile already) and baby dancing on what we hope are the correct days.

I'm actually kinda nervous. My not so normal ovulation seems to take place between the 15 and 19th days of my cycle. So I am renting a nice hotel room for those days so we can relax and be alone and not deal with other people in either of our houses. We've had sex before. We've had sex A LOT actually lol but never to HAVE a baby. I'm going to go buy "special" outfits and everything. I want this to be as stress free as we both can make it.

For the record WebMd and the Internet in general can be a horrible place when you are afraid you have fertility issues. lol This blog is going to be my stress release.